Here’s the thing. The reason why it works for the kids out of the home is because there are a team of people making decisions for your child based solely on their window of tolerance to set them up for success. They say no or yes based on the data in front of them and the signals your child is giving off. They don’t make decisions based on their peers in the program, or staff needing a break. The staff do shifts and get their breaks when their shift ends. Much different than being a parent 24/7.
But it’s really important to stop and think about that. If what works is saying no or yes, based on their window of tolerance, why is it so hard?
The families we have seen have great success with really tough kids are the families that are able to replicate this at home 95% of the time, but then the extra 5% was 1-1 time with family members - which is a huge benefit to being home. But the reason their kids were able to learn cause and effect and impact on others and start making a little better choices? 100% those two things together.
Every choice is based on their “window of tolerance”.
If it's hard for you to say no, when you should say no, and you have have a child nearing 10 - things will probably get more difficult around 12. Then it’s even harder to say no and the behavior is even bigger and scarier.
So here’s when you probably start looking into RTC’s. Here’s the thing - they are awesome at making the tough choices that might be hard for you at home. If you have a hard time saying no or setting home up to be therapeutic we can help! But ONLY if you are ready to make some really tough choices FOR your kiddo.
If you are just like I just know myself and I don’t have it in me - then don’t be hard on yourself! Self acceptance is just as important for you as it is for your child. Just start looking into RTC’s and find one you feel comfortable with and take the leap! Don’t prolong the process and further cement in the bad behavior patterns. There are so many other positives as well - one being for your other kids.
New Hope is awesome, but we are not 24/7. 6 or 7 hours will not make ALL of the difference you are going to need. If home is great and school is the problem, then we for sure will make all of the difference. But if home is a huge problem, then it will take some really tough days and months of saying a lot of no’s and doing a lot of tough love to make the difference you need along with the structure of New Hope to support you.
I know this post is a tough one - it was tough to write actually. It’s been on my mind a lot and when that happens, I know it’s because it needs to be my next post.
Here are some questions to think about: What stops me from doing the tough love I need to do to teach impact and choice/consequence? What are my own limitations and is there a way to push through those or are those set? What do I feel when I start to think about doing this?
Also reach out for help!! It’s our biggest love! Helping the family is what New Hope is all about. Healing really truly does start at home!
We are starting our home program next month. One month of weekly videos and zoom calls based on the topic of the video. If you are enrolled at New Hope, it’s free and part of your tuition. If you are not or have a friend that wants to do it with you, they can join too for a small fee. But reach out either way if you want in!
We love you guys! We lived it. We know what it’s like. And we want to help….